The Window of Tolerance:
Understanding Your Reactions, Not Judging Them.
Have you ever noticed how sometimes you can handle stuff calmly, but other times one tiny thing makes you snap, cry, or completely shut down?
That’s not you “being dramatic” or “lazy.”
That’s your nervous system doing its best to protect you.
We all have what’s called a Window of Tolerance, it’s like your emotional “comfort zone.”
When you’re inside that window, your brain and body feel safe enough to think clearly, make decisions, and deal with stress.
But when life feels too much, or even too quiet, your body can push you outside that window.
When you're inside the window, this is your regulated state, your mind and body are balanced.
You might still feel sad, angry, or stressed, but you can handle it.
You can:
Think logically (“Okay, this is hard, but I can deal with it.”)
Communicate instead of snapping
Concentrate and learn
Feel connected to people
It’s the state you’re in when you feel safe, understood, or supported, like when you talk to someone you trust or listen to music that calms you.
We can move out of this zone, when life gets busy, more is expected of you. The amount of stress you are experiencing increases. Or you have a distressing or traumatic event happen you will go out of your comfort zone and move into a hyperarousal state.
This is what is referred to as your fight or flight zone.
Your body goes into survival mode and everything feels too much.
You might notice:
Fast heart rate or shaky hands
Anger, panic, or feeling “on edge”
Snapping at people or wanting to run away
Racing thoughts (“I can’t do this. I need to get out!”)
When we move into this state, our brains aren't interested in logic, it becomes more focused on survival. That’s why it’s hard to focus at work or remember what someone just said when you’re anxious or angry — your brain’s job right now is to protect you.
We can also move below the zone and move into the state of hypoarousal. This is known as your freeze or shut down zone.
Instead of feeling too much, you feel numb or disconnected.
You might notice:
Feeling tired, empty, or spaced out
Struggling to care or motivate yourself
Avoiding people or zoning out on your phone
Saying “I don’t know” a lot, because you genuinely can’t feel much
It’s like your system has pulled on the hand brake, it’s still trying to protect you but in a quieter manner. It’s shutting you down to keep you safe from the experiences that it feels it can’t cope with or doesn’t have the resources to act in the other ways, of getting away from it or fighting.
So how can this help you? Well they say knowledge is key, and if we can begin to understand the processes that are occurring within our nervous systems. Understand the reasoning why they are occurring and acceptance that our body is responding as designed.
So when you begin to understand your Window of Tolerance, you start realising that your reactions aren’t random or wrong — they’re messages from your nervous system.
Instead of thinking:
“What’s wrong with me?”
You can start thinking:
“What’s happening in my body right now?”
“Am I outside my window?”
“What do I need to help me come back inside it?”
Everyone’s window will be different, we will have had different experiences, different beliefs are formed and laid down in our systems to make sense and process information being received. It’s common for us to see other people coping when we are struggling.
The wider the window the more we can cope with. Prolonged stress, trauma, childhood events and any chronic health conditions can impact the capacity of our window. When our window has decreased but the stresses still come in we will inevitably shut down, burnout or become overly anxious.
My next newsletter will go into more detail about the next stage.
For the everyday stresses that come and go, that may leave us fleetingly coming out of our zone, we can practice simple soothing techniques that support us coming back into the zone and strengthening our window.
Here are some ways to widen or return.
Breathe it out: Try slow breathing — in for 4, out for 6. It tells your brain you’re safe.
Music: Calming or grounding songs can help shift your state fast, if you are above the zone, where equally a fast paced and energetic song can move you upwards and back into regulation if you’ve slipped below.
Movement: Walk, dance, stretch — it helps release built-up energy, and can lift mood.
Talk: Telling someone what’s happening brings you back into connection.
Journal or draw: Get the noise out of your head and onto paper.
Comfort: Wrap up in a blanket, cuddle a pet, hold something soft — your body loves signals of safety.
So remembering our moods, reactions, and behaviours aren’t “bad” — they’re nervous system states. Understanding them helps you respond instead of react.
Understanding them helps you respond instead of react.
The more you learn what helps you feel safe, the wider your window grows — and the easier it becomes to handle life’s ups and downs without losing yourself in them.
Because the truth is:
You don’t need to control every feeling.
You just need to listen to what your body needs in order to return to balance and find peace, both in the body and mind.
